GOAL SETTING EFFECTIVELY

It that time of the year! Its the time when I will get tons of potential clients looking to improve their lives, set goals and learn how to stick with them. We all set goals, some of the common ones being- lets get from fat to fit and more rich. How does one make sure these goals work out?

 I've used these tips to lose over 15 kgs( at one point 20). I truly went from fat to fit and increased my self esteem by leaps. For the purpose of this blog, I will make the article short and use weight loss as an example.

1) Set realistic goals(e.g. you weigh 70 kgs and hope to run a marathon in 6 months?not going to happen.instead choose to lose a kg a month)

2) Write down goals in positive, personal, present tense( e.g. I  weigh 49 kgs,  very clear. don't write-- lose weight)

3) break them up into bite size bits( e.g. everyday I will walk to work, I will cut back on one junk food item in a day) do not overhwlem yourself by choosing actions that are huge, this is the main reason people quit. small actions include (I will start by walking for 20 mins everyday instead of joining a gym and going to workout for an hour, trust me, you will be out of there before the trainer can say cool down.)

4) write down every step required, with a deadline( your brain thrives on deadlines) and a treat if you reach the deadline( you need to choose something you really really want, e.g. pizza if you lose 2 kgs)

5) track your life- write down everything you have done during the day towards the desired goal( I ate xyz.  you even have to write down those 3 sips of coke you took from your friends cup) you will be surprised how many unconscious habits you have. Every successful athlete or goal setter uses this tool. Athletes write down every millisecond and every bite. Do this exercise for 10 days to see what comes up.

6) Keeps rewards  for yourself, each time you reach a small part of your goal( e.g. I will go out and buy myself dress from mango if Ilose 5 kgs, or whatever else excited you)

7) Write the goal on an index card with all steps necessary and carry it with you. read it before bed and first thing in the morning. you must train your subconscious and conscious mind to be in harmony to achieve the goal.

8)If you don't make the goal at one shot, don't fret, your trying to overturn a life time worth of habits. Keep at it. Remember, the time, sweat and dedication DO PAY OFF.

9)If you are feeling that this process is challenging, do not hesitate to contact a psychotherapist or a life coach or, check back next week for a list of questions to get you going.

Broken Open: Coping with grief

Broken Open: Coping with grief

Published on JANUARY 2010, THE HINDU

Neha stood rigid and unemotional by the grave which took her 20 year old son Patrick. Life as she knew it was over. Time was now referred to as, “Before Patricks death” and “After Patrick’s death.” It’s been 10 years to her loss, and as she sat on my cream sofa, she said with a smile, “you know, Patrick wanted to be a psychologist, he wanted to work with people who had lost someone dear and look at the irony, here I am, still grieving Patrick, even after ten years.”

It has taken Neha years to reach out and ask for support. All this time has been spent trying to hold her family together, move on, live life and “get over it.”

“After a point people would merely feel sympathy, but no empathy. They said that I should move on, try to forget about it and stop grieving. People keep telling me that 10 years is a long time, I feel very pressured and depressed that I am unable to move on.”

Grief and loss can come disguised as divorces, breakups, deaths, sickness, poverty, infertility, natural disasters, and political upheaval. It is an evitable part of our lives, and the most painful. From the death of a dream to the death of a spouse, life’s trajectory is never going to be grief and loss free. To cope with grief requires tremendous strength and a strong support system.

Only after ten years, was Neha able to find the space needed to process her grief, ask tough questions, cry unabashed and unfettered. Her pain was raw, burned bright, and got stronger as our sessions went on, but slowly, the intensity began to reduce, as a cool acceptance set in. The immense reservoir of grief had exhausted itself, the questions comfortably left, to reveal themselves over time and lifetimes. Neha's grief had the space to dissolve and coagulate into healing, creating strength and compassion in its wake.

The ending of anything can be very difficult, even traumatic. Grief has its stages and it’s important to recognise these stages to help you normalise what you feel.

The stages can occur in any order and may repeat. They include some or all of the following:

1) Denial – one feels that the loss is unreal and will reverse, or that it is a bad dream. Some people tend to disassociate from the loss and behave as thought everything is normal.

2) Anger- here the denial gives way to feelings of “Why me? It's not fair?” How can this happen to me? Along with feelings of blame or hatred towards the person or oneself.

3) Bargaining- this is common in divorces and breakups. “Maybe it doesn't have to end?” “Maybe we could try again?' “Give me another chance.”

4) Depression – here the sadness and fears for the future set in. One may fear being lonely, being alone forever, never being happy again. People feel as though their lives are over and the “good old days” have ended. Neha shared that she has been depressed for years before she could finally find healing and forgiveness.

5) Acceptance- finally one accepts the reality of the situation and understands the need to try to and move on. This depends on the person or situation.

Loss thrusts us into an unfamiliar and cold world. Such a place can be unsettling, bringing with it physical symptoms like nausea, fainting, trembling or an inability to move and think. But beyond a certain point, we have to cope with grief. As Neha discovered, it is a conscious process which would break her open before she could put herself together again.

This short list provides healthy coping strategies that I recommended to clients to keep them moving during the first few months.

* Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, if need be one moment at a time.

* Get enough sleep or at least enough rest- it is ok to ask your doctor for a prescription sleeping pill to help you get some rest

* Try and maintain some type of a normal routine.

* Eat a balanced diet. Limit high calorie and junk food. Drink plenty of water. Unhealthy food will lead to further depression.

* Avoid using alcohol, medications or other drugs in excess or to mask the pain. This behaviour often becomes addictive in the long run.

* Do those things and be with those people who comfort, sustain and recharge you.

* Talk to others, especially those who have lived through and survived similar experiences, you can even seek online support groups.

* Find creative ways-journal, paint, photograph, build, woodwork, quilt, knit, collage or draw-to express intense feelings that arise. Journaling is great. There are many guided grief journals. Spiritual literature is a great resource.

* Remember coping skills you have used to survive past losses. Draw upon these inner strengths again. People turn to god, spirituality, satang or elders to survive loss.

* It is okay to feel depressed and not want to do anything. It is also okay to ask for help and reach out even if it is at odd hours. Be kind to yourself and accept the process of grieving, like crying spells, depression, lack of desire for work or pleasure or the inability to “hold it together.”

Overcoming loss and beginning once again to live is the one thing that we never anticipate can happen after we have experienced it. The truth is however, that whether we like it or not life continues on. The decision that we need to make is whether we wish to move on with life.

Taking the first step is always the hardest and this is where sharing your feelings can help. It can be with someone close, a counsellor or even through writing and painting. Expressing how we feel is always the first and hardest step in the recovery from loss.

In order to move from merely surviving to actually thriving, we need to adopt a conscious, proactive approach to our healing. As Neha discovered over the course of her therapy, pain doesn’t disappear with time, it remains and unless kneaded, it consolidates into bitterness, anger or depression.

Today neha has arrived at a spiritual understanding of Patrick’s death. She firmly believes he had accomplished what he had too and his death was something she simply could not control. What she could control was how she chooses to live her life thereafter. Grief over a loss stays; time merely reduces the intensity how hard the waves of pain hit us. And like a rock in the sea, pain polishes our souls to reflect compassion. We have no choice but to move ahead, but how we do it, is within us.

children of divorce

CHILDREN AND THE TRAUMA OF DIVORCE

‘Kids are not a bargaining chip'

MANSI PODDAR TULSHAN

Children can cope with traumatic realities of life like divorce, provided they are treated sensitively by both the parents.

Photo: Rajeev Bhatt

Traumatic: They suffer a loss too...

Having worked with various children of divorce, the most frequent misconceptions I encounter are. “Children of divorce are not well adapted and have problems as adults” or “Divorce has nothing to do with kids, they will eventually understand what happened.” Both these statements lead to wrong decisions on the part of parents and an inability to handle children who are experiencing divorce.

My child clients often experience symptoms of grief, guilt, and anger due to unclear communication from the parents or the extended family. Varied reactions

Some common statements:

“It's my fault; I should be a good girl. Mummy and papa fight because of me, I have seen it”; “Maybe if I pray to god they will live together again”; “Why are they always fighting?”; “I know papa is bad, but I still want him to come back, but I don't want mummy to leave me”; “They are bad people, I hate them.”

Studies have shown that children of divorce need not fare worse than other children. In fact, children who live in unstable, conflict-prone homes are the ones who grow up with emotional, relational and psychological difficulties, not just children of divorce. Children require a stable, conflict-free home where they are recognised, understood and heard. Therefore, many children might find a more stable and carefree life after the parents divorce.

How they handle the child during divorce is what matters. Most parents will use children as a bargaining chip, bad mouth one another, involve extended families who start an internal custody battle, all of which leads to trauma, poor functioning in school, depression, acting out and can impact their relationships as adults.

Leave the children out

This does not mean that a child should not be exposed to realities of life, but certain parents, divorced or married, will use children as a venting vessel or position them as the adult who solves parental issues. Such children often display maladaptive behaviour patterns.

When parents are getting divorced, it is important to recognise that children are suffering an equally big loss — that of one parent. They will grieve the parent in age-appropriate ways. Sometimes though, children can become reticent, rebellious or display other unusual characteristics. It is important you contact a professional to help the child accept the divorce and adapt. It can become difficult for the parents to help the child, so seeking professional help at a time like this can really benefit the family.

Children of divorce need special consideration as it can be tough for them in a society where children with single parents are not common. Both parents and extended families have to put aside difficulties and be unselfish for the sake of the child.

The writer is a psychotherapist; for more information visit www.mansitherapy.com.

Some ways to help the child cope:

Never bad-mouth your partner/ in-laws to the child and be cognizant of the fact that the child may overhear your conversation with other people.

Do not try to get the child to take sides and problem-solve or decide which parent is bad.

Remind the child that you will be parents forever, even though you might not be husband and wife.

Talk to the child like an adult, explain to them that sometimes things don't work out and provide an example from their life (you can contact a counsellor for help with communicating).

Make sure the kids know that you both love them and this has nothing to do with them.

Your child is experiencing very strong emotions, be sensitive to that.

Most importantly, get your child to speak about what they feel and fear, give them a safe space to vent, cry and just be themselves.

Spend time with them and do not try to separate them from the other parent or siblings forcefully for your own needs.

Try to maintain routines and whatever you can of their former life.

Do not cut them off from extended family, just to use the child as a bargaining tool.

The Happy Hormone! :)

You deserve to be happy! J

Some people seem eternally happy while others seem to make a career from cribbing. Either ways, serotonin is what makes u happy or not. The benefits of serotonin are many, from regulating body temperature and appetite to combating depression and maintaining intestinal health. But most importantly, its  the hormone that make you happy and cures depression.

Lowering of serotonin is caused due to various factors, stress, lack of movement, chemical additives in foods, and lack of sunshine. But there are ways to increase our levels, thereby increasing our feeling of well being

·         Stop starving- If you are going to starve yourself to lose weight, forget it, not only will you gain weight but make yourself miserable. There really is no such thing as a HEALTHY NO CARB diet. Carbs help produce serotonin and keep the brain in tip top shape. Think twice before you dump the rice, pasta and potatoes. Include omega 3 in your diet.

·         Get some sunshine- forget tanning, get early morning sun for about 20 minutes. This can boost your body’s production of melatonin in the evening. Serotonin converts to melatonin for a great night’s sleep. This will boost your mood and improve your sleep. A cup of chai by the window can be bliss!

·         Movement- you need to move. Be it through exercise or dance or cleaning, your body and brain need movement to produce hormones that build immunity and ward of the blues

·         Sugar less- If you have low serotonin, you may have intense cravings for sugar. This is your body’s way of trying to increase serotonin because eating sugar produces insulin, which helps tryptophan go into your brain. However, too much sugar can eventually cause addiction to sugar, insulin resistance, hypoglycaemia and type 2 diabetes. Cut out white sugar, replace with either stevia (not artificial sweeteners which are worse for your body than sugar) or brown sugar, easily available at Spencers or Fab India. For proper sugar management, contact a nutritionist who will help you reduce cravings but not deprive your body of essential amounts of sugar, which is needed for bone health.

·         Focus on emotional healing- Practice self care (check back on this subject next week). If you feel you are unable to manage stress levels, contact a mental health professional who will teach you various effective techniques and help you manage your life and reduce stress. Stress produces Cortisol which decreases serotonin, causing weight gain and depression. Psychotherapy is known to help increase serotonin.

·         Get enough vitamin B6 – since you must acquire this very important vitamin from your foods (or supplements), here are some vitamin B6-rich options: spinach, turnip greens, garlic, cauliflower, mustard greens, celery, fish (especially tuna, halibut, salmon, cod and snapper), poultry (chicken and turkey) and lean beef tenderloin.

·         Massage- gets massages from a reputed spa or trained therapists. Massage helps reduce Cortisol and increase serotonin. Do not get a massage everyday, or from untrained people. This can cause more harm than good. A massage should stimulate blood flow and be relaxing. This need not be achieved via hard pressure or constant rubbing.

·         Eat organic- I cannot stress this enough. Dalda, MSG etc that is found in outside food is NOT beneficial to the body or mind and leads to premature death and reduced quality of life. Buy organic from stores like organic India, down to earth etc.

Stay well! A healthy mind-body is interrelated. There is no healthy mind and unhealthy body or vice versa.

Remember, this article is NOT meant to diagnose or treat. It is information to help you get educated on the importance of serotonin and how to help increase your levels naturally.

To sign up for my newsletter please visit my website or my facebook page.

Take care and Stay Well,

Written by: Mansi Poddar, MA, Psychotherapist

Website: www.mansitherapy.com

The Hindu : Arts / Magazine : Putting yourself back together

The Hindu : Arts / Magazine : Putting yourself back together


ORIGINAL ARTICLE( WITHOUT THE HINDU EDITS)

Broken Open: Coping with grief

By Mansi Poddar, Psychological Counsellor,

www.mansitherapy.com

Neha stood rigid and unemotional by the grave which took her 20 year old son Patrick.   Life as she knew it was over. Time was now referred to as, “Before Patricks death” and “After Patrick’s death.” It’s been 10 years to her loss, and as she sat on my cream sofa, she said with a smile, “you know, Patrick wanted to be a psychologist, he wanted to work with people who had lost someone dear and look at the irony, here I am, still grieving Patrick, even after ten years.”

It has taken Neha years to reach out and ask for support. All this time has been spent trying to hold her family together, move on, live life and “get over it.”

“After a point people would merely feel sympathy, but no empathy. They said that I should move on, try to forget about it and stop grieving. People keep telling me that 10 years is a long time, I feel very pressured and depressed that I am unable to move on.”

Grief and loss can come disguised as divorces, breakups, deaths, sickness, poverty, infertility, natural disasters, and political upheaval. It is an evitable part of our lives, and the most painful. From the death of a dream to the death of a spouse, life’s trajectory is never going to be grief and loss free. To cope with grief requires tremendous strength and a strong support system.

Only after ten years, was Neha able to find the space needed to process her grief, ask tough questions, cry unabashed and unfettered. Her pain was raw, burned bright, and got stronger as our sessions went on, but slowly, the intensity began to reduce,  as a cool acceptance set in. The immense reservoir of grief had exhausted itself, the questions comfortably left, to reveal themselves over time and lifetimes. Neha's grief had the space to dissolve and coagulate into healing, creating strength and compassion in its wake.

The ending of anything can be very difficult, even traumatic. Grief has its stages and it’s important to recognise these stages to help you normalise what you feel.

The stages can occur in any order and may repeat. They include some or all of the following:

1) Denial – one feels that the loss is unreal and will reverse, or that it is a bad dream. Some people tend to disassociate from the loss and behave as thought everything is normal.

2) Anger- here the denial gives way to feelings of “Why me? It's not fair?” How can this happen to me? Along with feelings of blame or hatred towards the person or oneself.

3) Bargaining- this is common in divorces and breakups. “Maybe it doesn't have to end?” “Maybe we could try again?' “Give me another chance.”

4) Depression – here the sadness and fears for the future set in. One may fear being lonely, being alone forever, never being happy again. People feel as though their lives are over and the “good old days” have ended. Neha shared that she has been depressed for years before she could finally find healing and forgiveness.

5) Acceptance- finally one accepts the reality of the situation and understands the need to try to and move on. This depends on the person or situation.

Loss thrusts us into an unfamiliar and cold world. Such a place can be unsettling, bringing with it physical symptoms like nausea, fainting, trembling or an inability to move and think. But beyond a certain point, we have to cope with grief. As Neha discovered, it is a conscious process which would break her open before she could put herself together again.

This short list provides healthy coping strategies that I recommended to clients to keep them moving during the first few months.

1. Take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, if need be one moment at a time.
2. Get enough sleep or at least enough rest- it is ok to ask your doctor for  a prescription sleeping pill to help you get some rest
3. Try and maintain some type of a normal routine.
4. Eat a balanced diet. Limit high calorie and junk food. Drink plenty of water. Unhealthy food will lead to further depression.
5. Avoid using alcohol, medications or other drugs in excess or to mask the pain. This behaviour often becomes addictive in the long run.
6. Do those things and be with those people who comfort, sustain and recharge you.
7. Talk to others, especially those who have lived through and survived similar experiences, you can even seek online support groups.
8. Find creative ways-journal, paint, photograph, build, woodwork, quilt, knit, collage or draw-to express intense feelings that arise. Journaling is great. There are many guided grief journals. Spiritual literature is a great resource.
9. Remember coping skills you have used to survive past losses. Draw upon these inner strengths again. People turn to god, spirituality, satang or elders to survive loss.
10. It is okay to feel depressed and not want to do anything. It is also okay to ask for help and reach out even if it is at odd hours. Be kind to yourself and accept the process of grieving, like crying spells, depression, lack of desire for work or pleasure or the inability to “hold it together.”

Overcoming loss and beginning once again to live is the one thing that we never anticipate can happen after we have experienced it. The truth is however, that whether we like it or not life continues on. The decision that we need to make is whether we wish to move on with life.

Taking the first step is always the hardest and this is where sharing your feelings can help. It can be with someone close, a counsellor or even through writing and painting. Expressing how we feel is always the first and hardest step in the recovery from loss.

In order to move from merely surviving to actually thriving, we need to adopt a conscious, proactive approach to our healing. As Neha discovered over the course of her therapy, pain doesn’t disappear with time, it remains and unless kneaded, it consolidates into bitterness, anger or depression.

Today neha has arrived at a spiritual understanding of Patrick’s death. She firmly believes he had accomplished what he had too and his death was something she simply could not control. What she could control was how she chooses to live her life thereafter.  Grief over a loss stays; time merely reduces the intensity how hard the waves of pain hit us. And like a rock in the sea, pain polishes our souls to reflect compassion. We have no choice but to move ahead, but how we do it, is within us. 

Sex and the Woman

Some want it, some don’t, some wish they wanted more, some less, who to do it with, how to do it, what to do, when to do, but no one can ignore it. Lack of sex is one of the most common factors cited during divorce trials, after money. “Sex is the glue that holds relationships together” Says Tarun Tejapal, in his acclaimed novel, Alchemy of Desire.  Some say it’s a blasé experience; others compare it to fine wine and spiritual ecstasy. Whatever it is, sex or the lack thereof, has a role in your life, so how do you create sexual wellness in your life? This article is primarily from a woman point of view.

• You need to talk sex with your partner.-What do you like? Don’t like? Want more off? What stimulates you? What doesn’t? When you like it, when you don’t etc. communication is key in a healthy sex life. Take responsibility for your own sexuality and stop blaming one another if things don’t go right.
• Thin doesn’t always equal hot- you got it right ladies; technique is far superior to just body shape. What’s the point of making love to a cardboard cut out? Hot lovers don’t focus on stubbles and cellulite; they focus on their body being a pleasure place, not bowl of jelly. If you do not think you are hot, it shows.
• Men have feelings too- no, they can’t do it “on demand.” Don’t expect your man to satisfy you when YOU want it and yes, men too are conscious of their bodies, technique etc. They have a lot of performance pressure. Be sensitive!
• Size doesn’t matter- it what you do with it that matters. For some it’s an issue for some it isn’t. Studies published in the journal of Sex and Martial Therapy, state that we still measure men by the size of their penis, and that is the biggest misconception of all.
• Turn it on- you need to turn him on as well. Think outside the box- unleash your sex diva. Foreplay isn’t only about soft kisses and wine.
• Initiate- if you want it, initiate it, stop waiting for him to keep asking you for sex. Initiation can be a big turn on for many men. Plus, constant rejection is hard, be cognizant of his feelings. Would you want your man to avoid you, reject you or tell you things like “ don’t touch me here, or don’t do that?”
• The Big O- orgasms are not the sole goal of sex. Often the stress of reaching orgasm prevents women from enjoying the encounter. So stop focusing on orgasms and enjoy the connection and sensations. A hot lover will testify that orgasms make up a small percentage of enjoyment.
• Self help- if you do not know what is where, how can you expect your man too? Figure out your pleasure pulse. Use a vibrator, finger and see what works for you. Explore creative fantasies, find your moan moments. That’s your fodder for hot sex.
• Explore- if you don’t want to or can’t have sex, you need not reject your partner outright- think fellatio and hand jobs.
• Experiment- fine tune your techniques. There is nothing more turning off than yanking a man or throwing up during a BJ. Think different postures, places, fantasies. Be creative, find variety and learn. Explore his fantasies with him. S-M? Leather? Stilettos? Don’t be a prude!
• Enjoy- yes, it’s important for a man to know that you enjoy what is going on. So if you do it, get into it. 

ps: If you experience pain, bleeding, or fear of sex, PLEASE consult a medical professional or a psychotherapist to help you deal with these issues. Check back next week for more info on this.

MYTHS ABOUT STRESS

Six myths about stress

stress is the new buzzword for our times. Everyone's stressed out and dealing with stress. Its linked to all sorts of ailments and even cancer. What is it really? lets bust some myths about STRESS.

Myth 1:  Stress is the same for everybody.

Completely wrong. Stress is different for each of us and so are our reactions to it.

Myth 2:  Stress is always bad for you.

According to this view, zero stress makes us happy and healthy. Wrong. Stress is to the human condition what tension is to the violin string: too little and the music is dull and raspy; too much and the music is shrill or the string snaps. Stress can be the kiss of death or the spice of life. The issue, really, is how to manage it. Managed stress makes us productive and happy; mismanaged stress hurts and even kills us.

Myth 3:  Stress is everywhere, so you can't do anything about it.

Not so. You can plan your life so that stress does not overwhelm you. Effective planning involves setting priorities and working on simple problems first, solving them, and then going on to more complex difficulties. When stress is mismanaged, it's difficult to prioritize. All your problems seem to be equal and stress seems to be everywhere.

Myth 4:  The most popular techniques for reducing stress are the best ones.

Again, not so. No universally effective stress reduction techniques exist. We are all different, our lives are different, our situations are different, and our reactions are different. Only a comprehensive program tailored to the individual works. therefore, contact a health professional like a counselor to help you cope with stress.

Myth 5:  No symptoms, no stress.

Absence of symptoms does not mean the absence of stress. In fact, camouflaging symptoms with medication may deprive you of the signals you need for reducing the strain on your physiological and psychological systems.

Myth 6:  Only major symptoms of stress require attention.

This myth assumes that the "minor" symptoms, such as headaches or stomach acid, may be safely ignored. Minor symptoms of stress are the early warnings that your life is getting out of hand and that you need to do a better job of managing stress.

Adapted from The Stress Solution by Lyle H. Miller, Ph.D., and Alma Dell Smith, Ph.D.